The Black Humour Thread

*humour

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN! :troll: :D

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo :D

"Dad, have you seen my hamster?"
Dad, mowing the lawn: "Yeah, but too late"

Dark humour is like food... not everyone get's it

You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor ?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A woman asks the pharmacist “Do you sell XL condoms?” she asks the pharmacist.

“Yes, of course, family planning is in aisle 5,” he replies.

“Thanks,” she says and walks over.

About a half-hour later the pharmacist is stocking shelves and sees the woman still standing in aisle 5.

“Did you find the condoms?” he asks.

“Yep,” she says.

“Well, is there something else I can help you with?” he asks.

“Nope. I’m just waiting to see who buys them.”

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend”, When she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!” “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!” The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Politician (that may be a redundant description) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Politician. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Politician. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Politician realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Politician reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Politician.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted."

Three best friends are flying over the rain forests in a remote area of Cameroon.

While cruising over the remote montane jungles of western Africa the single engine of their Cessna 162 craps out.

Two of his best friends are hopelessly mangled in the crash, yet surprisingly one survivor emerges relatively unscathed, suffering only minor scapes cuts and bruises.

Now he has a bigger problem, he is out of nowhere and out of radio range while dealing with the corpses of his two best friends.

He leaves his dead friends and the crash site looking for anything or anyone who might be able to help him.

The going is rough, the rainforest is unforgiving with thorns, spikes humidity and relentless biting insects.

Exhausted and giving up all hope our intrepid traveler stumbles upon a clearing in the dense brush.

Shortly after entering the clearing, our beguiled explorer finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of spear welding pirogi warriors, miraculously, appearing invisibly from out of the surrounding brush.

Our explorer has had a rough day, his two best friends have been mangled to death before his eyes.

He falls to his knees extends his hands and explains, Dear God I am fucked.

A booming voice answers, no, you are not fucked, not at all not in the slightest.

Our explorer exhorts, OK what can I do?

The booming voice answers,
No, you are not fucked not at all, not in the slightest

OK so what can I do?

Well you could grab the spear from the warrior closest to you and throw it at their chief, he is guy with the fancy head dress being carried in a chair.

Our protagonist grabs the spear from the warrior closest to him, he throws it in the direction of the chief, the spear pierces the Chiefs heart

The chief falls to the ground, dead in an instant while pulsing out a pool of blood.

Our protagonist once again extends his hands and asks “what now”!

The voice from above answering “now you truly are fucked”.

2020

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her.
   I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.
   
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!
9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
12. Appropriate analogy. "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying
    “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”
13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.Well, there it is.

-What did your husband say after you told him that you had crashed the car?
-May I exclude curses?
-Yes, sure.
-He didn't say anything.